W.A.L.S.T.I.B., Part II

My trip to Israel was more than the exploration of a new country and for that matter a personal exploration, it was also one hell of a great time. While I'm sure learning about what the trip taught me was interesting and thought provoking, I know the readers want the good stuff. The gossip, the funny stories and all the craziness that AristocraCity is known for.

AristocraCity left for Israel on Sunday January 9th really early in the morning. So I had set aside Saturday night for packing and relaxing in preparation for the trip. Oh how the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry. What transpired that night may have been the most random night ever. That quiet night disappeared faster than a handgun in Puffy's Escalade. In short time I had a crying friend at my apartment, followed by her friend from college and the best part, her friend's convict exboyfriend who was just released from jail came over shortly thereafter. The four of us chilled in my living room which for one night only was also my packing space and just shot the shit for a couple of hours. I've never hung out with someone who was just released from jail, actually I've never met anyone who was ever jailed for a prolonged period of time. Everytime I opened my mouth I was afraid a soap on the floor joke would pop out or that I would actually use the word "conjugal" with reckless abandon. All sarcasm aside it was actually a really fun time and two random people got to meet me and all my underwear [Side note: Underwear is just a funny word to write. Boxers which I wear, are underwear but when I say or write underwear all I can think of are my Marvel comic tighty whities from 1986]. The uniqueness of it all made it such that the night will never be duplicated.

So I arrived at JFK at the precise time I was instructed and it was as if Murray Hill coupled with an Alpha Phi/SDT sorority meeting had been transplanted to the El Al terminal. A sea of Juicy and Hard Tail pants and suitcases so big some of these girls could have packed themselves. It was so early all the moms were wearing matching Juicy outfits with their daughters that at times it was hard differentiating who was and wasn't going on the trip. Thankfully when I was confused I need only look to the ring finger to see that their husband is a VP at Bear Stearns or a Partner at Skadden Arps. Downright blinding some of these rocks. Oh yeah there were also a couple of guys in head to toe Sean John velour track suits, apparently they thought they signed up for a trip to the Jersey shore. At this time we will now be boarding all white trash for our flight to Wildwood.

After waiting on line for 2 hours to check in and get my seat assignment I was greeted by a lovely El Al employee who took her license to interrogate me very seriously and after she was done I was almost convinced I wasn't Jewish. Among the questions I did poorly on was, do you speak hebrew (no), read hebrew (no), go to temple, ever (no, no), keep kosher (I love bacon), were you bar mitzvahed (I finally got to answer yes), remember your haftorah (I dont remember what I ate for lunch yesterday), what do you remember about your bar mitzvah (the shit load of money I made for memorizing a paragraph), participate in holidays (I like looking for the afikomen, it really is just hide and seek with matzoh, who doesn't like hide and seek) and lastly why are you going on Birthright (it's free). Good thing she didn't ask about my most despicable act as a Jew. Otherwise I would have had to tell her about shrooming through Anne Frank's house. They probably would have revoked my jewness right then and there, possibly even taken me out back and shot me. If you just gasped at the previous sentence it is deservedly so, I was a complete asshole and feel terrible for doing so, but it is a great story (if you want details email me).

The flight itself was rather ordinary accept learning about my row mate's displeasure with having left her vibrator at home. I popped an Ambien and slept through most of the flight. I did have an opportunity to watch a movie in my favorite genre, romantic comedy. Wimbledon was being screened and unfortunately I fell asleep 15 minutes before the ending twice so I have no idea whether Kirsten Dunst gets together with Paul Bettany.

The second night was the Birthright Mega Event. Basically, it was a big party that culminated in a giant rave. I'm sure we all have nightmares of the dancing that we have witnessed at countless Bar/Bat Mitzvahs and weddings. Picture that dancing but instead of 200 people, imagine 4,000 Jews dancing stone cold sober for the most part. Think of Elaine Bennes and you'll have a pretty good approximation of the atrocities committed on the dance floor.

The next exciting evening was the following night in Eilat. AristocraCity got wasted. It was a liquid dinner that night. I love absinthe and vodka. The question I was asked most often during and after the trip besides, "how's the food" was, "did I hook up?" I am going to answer that question here. As you may recall I've discussed ad nauseam that women with vowels as the last letter of their first name have been my kryptonite and I had resigned to disregard all females who match that criteria, but I'm happy to report that is no longer an issue.

I'd be remiss if I didn't tell you about my new crush. That's right AristocraCity has a middle school crush. Her name is Princess Twinkle Toes and she was my camel. I rode her and ironically it was my ass that hurt when it was all said and done. Apparently the pain was so bad I began hallucinating, because on the way back to the stable I blurted out, "Hey look its a giraffe." That giraffe was actually a camel. One of the security guards who was in earshot of my gafe, looked at me stone faced serious and asked, "Have you ever been to a fucking zoo?" Needless to say that quote, my lovely gafe, will never be forgotten and is now infamous.

I had planned on writing about the whole trip in Part II, but since I've been told the posts are too long for my A.D.D. friend, the "Insurance Man," I am breaking it up. Keep in mind all this in the first 4 days of the trip. Here is a link to my pictures and the link to my friend Kim's which have captions telling you what your looking at and some pretty incrimating ones of AristocraCity.

What A Long Strange Trip It's Been, Part I

Welcome Home! Quite an interesting way to be greeted at an airport thousands of miles from my home. Yet in retrospect it was quite appropriate. My trip to Israel was nothing short of amazing. I can say with unflinching certainty that was the most amazing trip I have ever been on and if you know me it's not as if I'm making that statement having only been to Canada. I've gone on some wonderful trips to some fabulous countries and yet I'm certain my experience on Birthright Israel will remain at the pinnacle of my travels for some time to come. Unless you've been on the trip at this point your probably asking yourself will he just fucking tell me why it was so amazing.

I guess it helps to understand where I was coming from and my motivations for going to Israel on Birthright. I'd heard repeatedly that Israel is like no other place and had to see for myself. I am not religious and probably the most Jewish thing about me is my mother and my shopping habit. I truly embody the J.A.P. moniker. At the airport my dad said, "don't get all religious on me." I didn't. This trip was 100% about religion, but not about being religious. What I took away was what it means to be Jewish today and why its important. Judaism is more than just a religion, its a culture, a set of values and traditions that people have died for to ensure its continuance. It's still hard to grasp the idea of dying for anything let alone a religion, but I met countless soldiers who still fight in defense of a religion. Yes you read right, the Israeli Defense Force (IDF) fights to protect more than just a country, they fight to protect why that country was created. As I came to understand Israel is not just the home of Israelis, but of the Jews.

At various points in our lifes I think we all stop and take inventory. By that I mean we assess how our life has been thus far. I find these moments usually come after a loss, a milestone or a single event such as a trip. Personally, I've had many inventory sessions. Upon college graduation, after the loss of my first grand parent and while and just after coming back from Israel. After each of these internal inventories I've grown personally. Israel makes you wake the fuck up. It makes you realize how great many of us have it. We live rich lives and that is not the same as being rich monetarily. I've had access to the best of everything. Am I spoiled? Yes to an extent I am. Israel made me realize with access to the best of everything I sure as shit better take advantage of my situation and not take it for granted. I think Americans for the most part take much of life for granted. The people of Israel have such an ubridled love for their country on a daily basis and we as Americans were able to come together maybe at most for a year after 9/11, but probably closer to 3 months. Not many Americans would be willing to fight and die for our country, but everyone in Israel is. Turning 18 in America means you can vote, but probably more people are concerned with the fact they can buy cigarettes legally. In Israel turning 18 means you get a gun, more specifically a modified M-16 assault rifle and told to protect your country for 2 or 3 years. Try that in America and see if our court system has any time to worry about rapists.

My goal here was not to lecture and tell you that you take life for granted, but if your reading this and are a friend or acquaintance you probably do take some aspect of your life for granted. You may not want to hear it, but you know I'm right. Instead of getting angry at the messenger figure what it is you take for granted or what you want to do or change and make it happen. G-d knows we all have the means.

While Israel did indeed force me to think about my life, it was also a great fucking time. Part II will be a recap of the events, the comments and maybe some purposeless pontifications.

Taglit-Birthright Banter

So, I'm still chilling in Israel and will report on the whole trip when I return next week, but here are three memorable quotes from my trip. When I got on the plane I was seated in a 3 person row and I was the window seat. Next to me was Dan, a soon to be friend and a female who shall remain nameless. Here is the first conversation beyond introductions which led me to believe this would be one unforgettable trip.

Female: I'm really mad right now!
AristocraCity: Why?
Female: My friend told me I couldn't bring my vibrator.
AristocraCity: (shocked) Did you say vibrator?
Female: Yeah, a girl's got needs.
AristocraCity: This is Dan, and he is available for servicing any of your needs.

This conversation literally took place 10 minutes after I boarded the plane. Quite outrageous if you ask me.

Quote 2:
The next quote was said after we descended Masada, so the female gets a little leeway due to delirium. In case you missed that this quote took place at Masada after watching the sunrise, pretty fucking amazing location, sure as shit isn't Synergy Fitness Club. We are eating breakfast and discussing what is on our trays. Cream cheese was one of the items.

Female 1: I never eat cream cheese.
Female 2: Why?
Female 1: It reminds me of something gross.
AristocraCity & Female 2: (in unison) What is it, cum?
Female 1: Oh no, I eat that sometimes.
(Everyone Laughing hystericaly)
Female 1: That's not what I meant, I was referring to a yeast infection.

Got that imagery. Quite lovely.

Quote 3:
I was the punch line of this banter. While at the top of Masada we were discussing the Orthodox, so like everyone else I was curious if the rumor that Orthodox sex took place through a sheet.

AristocraCity: Rafi, is it true Orthodox people have sex through a sheet?
Rafi: No No No, that's just talk.
Rafi: What I can tell you for sure is this, the Orthodox are definitely having more sex than you are.

At the precise point he said that the group was entirely silent. Classic.

More about Israel in the coming days.

Guess What?

So AristocraCity has some big news to report. This afternoon Gawker, decided to trash VitruvianMen. However, AristocraCity is a firm believer in all press is good press and accordingly subscribers flocked to the site. At this moment VitruvianMen has XX amount of subscribers and XX amount pending. On the advice of counsel I was advised not to print exact subscriber stats at the risk of corporate espionage.

Better yet, AristocraCity and the other founders of VitruvianMen received their first piece of fan mail. Here is the email AristocraCity received:

name: Dave Swofford

email: dswof@hotmail.com

message: Read about your website at Gawker, checked your website out and guess what? You suck.

Mr. Swofford the editors of VitruvianMen would sincerely like to thank you for being the first idiot to contact us with a piece of hate mail. Apparently, reading Gawker hasn't helped your verbal prowess, despite Gawker's best efforts to educate you via witty and satirical prose. Just for my own knowledge could you use the word "undulating" in a sentence correctly. Guess what, the smartest thing you did was not subscribing because the ideal reader of VitruvianMen reads at or above a college level and hasn't used an insult like "you suck" since, pause to think about this, ah yes never. Was peepeehead too many syllables?

Manhattan Mumblings III & Cruise Chatter

Everyone is in for a real treat today. Not only will you get Manhattan Mumblings, Vol. III but if you continue reading for the next 3 minutes you will also get this one-time only offer of Cruise Chatter at no additional cost (readers pay all additional internet service fees and taxes as may be required in some states).

Prior to leaving on the cruise I was at the gym getting some final abdominal exercises in. Happy to report I looked splendid in my banana hammock Speedos. Back to the story. After I finished working out, I watched the final 10 minutes of the hip-hop dance class in which the editor of It's All About Me was participating. After the class was over and we were exchanging musty deodarant free pleasantries this conversation took place revolving around me:

Gym Trainer: Hey, you are really good (to It's All About Me)
It's All About Me: Thank you so much
GT: Your welcome, is that your brother? (referring to AristocraCity)
IAAM: No, we are just friends.
GT: You definitely look like you can be related, same facial features, high cheek bones
AristocraCity: (silent but probably blushing)
IAAM: Thanks, I'll take that as a compliment, he was a model.
AristocraCity: (silent still and definitely blushing now)

Regardless of sex or the fact that nothing would likely ever happen between two people, there is little worse than entering the friend zone. There is still a possibility of exitting the friend zone, but enter the brother/sister zone and well to put it succinctly, you're fucked... no one escapes the brother/sister zone. [Editor's Note: This was written before The O.C. aired which basically proved that adults portraying teenagers can overcome the brother/sister or illegitimate aunt/nephew zone. Also of note will the O.C. writers please share the love and give someone other than Adam Brody (aka Seth Cohen) the funny lines. Thanks.]

Wednesday, AristocraCity took a stroll down memory lane with a friend of mine as we perused my high school yearbook and class pictures dating back to nursery school through 7th grade. I must admit to looking quite pathetic in some of the pictures, but as a whole the stylistic tendencies of the mid 80s and early 90s are good for quite a few laughs. While looking at one of the pictures this dialog took place:

Female Friend: Is that so and so?
AristocraCity: Yeah he went to my camp as well.
FF: I really dislike that (some expletive) kid.
FF: And his whore of a sister.
AristocraCity: They are really good family friends!
FF: (slowing removing foot from mouth)

Why did I put this quote up, the same reason Nascar is such a popular sport. No the answer isn't because every other redneck's appliances are on the porch but the TV so they gotta watch something. The answer is, nothing is better than watching something live knowing a wreck of immense proportions is imminent. As the conversation above unfolded I was giddy with anticipation waiting to declare these people are family friends of mine, knowing a wreck of immense proportions would soon follow. I personally found it to be hysterical, but who hasn't said something and been immediately horrified that we uttered those words to the wrong person. That fuck me shade of white drains all the color from your face as if you've seen a ghost. Brilliant, just brilliant.

For waiting so patiently here is special edition of quotes, Crusie Chatter. Everyone subscribe now for your FREE e-newsletter from VitruvianMen. Shameless plug, too bad.

The next two conversations took place on a SNUBA excursion. SNUBA is a hybrid of snorkeling and scuba (pictures at somepoint). The participants of this excursion were AristocraCity, Matt (my brother), JKny and Michael (JKny's brother and AristocraCity's cousin). Tevis was our SNUBA leader.

Tevis: Are you OK with going down?
JKNY: Yeah I'm fine.
Michael: That's not what I hear.

Nothing beats a blow job joke in the middle of the ocean near Belize, especially one made about your own sister. Everyone subscribe now for your FREE e-newsletter from VitruvianMen.

Matt: Make sure you don't swim into the boat.
JKNY: How?
Matt: I assume your eyes will be open.

In case you just crawled out from under a rock, JKNY works for Jive Records. Stacey is a family friend.

Stacey: So do you meet famous people all the time.
JKNY: Yeah they come by the office all the time.
Stacey: Have you met so and so?
JKNY: Yeah
(repeat previous 2 lines till all Jive artists have pretty much been named)
AristocraCity: Tell her about dancing with Justin
JKNY: I don't want to.
Stacey: Oh! My! God!, you danced with Justin Timberlake
Stacey: You are like the coolest person ever!!!

[Editor's Note: In the next two short quotes names will be substituted for Female Friend since I'm not sure how some of the people involved would feel. ]

AristocraCity: You're going to run on the treadmill?
Female Friend: No, I have bad ankles.
AristocraCity: Not the body part I would have singled out as being bad. (Thought BUT never said out loud)

Female friend, I know you now read this, that was a joke. You're actually quite hot in a barely legal way.

Female Friend 1: That girl had a cheer sweatshirt on.
Female Friend 2: Did you know her team?
F.F. 1: No, but she's heard of mine.
AristocraCity: Our high school has a good cheer team.
F.F. 1: No, I'm on an all-star team, Cheer Excel (sp?)
AristocraCity: Like a travel team for cheerleading?
F.F. 1: Yeah, exactly.
AristocraCity: Who do you cheer for, if it's not affiliated with any particular school?
AristocraCity: Is there a Cheer Excel football team?
F.F. 1: No, we cheer for a team but they don't really exist.

Call me ignorant, but a travel cheerleading team. Cheering for fake teams. I've seen Bring it On, but those teams were from the same high school. I had no fucking clue there was an all-star cheer team. Who cheers for a fake team? Isn't that just stupid? I know, people ridicule what they don't know. Fuck yeah, that's the dumbest thing ever and people wonder why it's always a girl dressed like a cheerleader that accidentally walks into the boys locker room in pornos. Naysayers plead, those pornos just perpetuate negative stereotypes. News flash stop doing stupid shit and you'll stop being portrayed as stupid.

[Editor's Note: If I misquoted anyone or forgot any funny ones, please let me know. If your correction makes the quote less funny, don't bother emailing me.]

Everyone subscribe now for your FREE e-newsletter from VitruvianMen.

Please Leave a Message at the Beep

Why is it that upon hearing those seven words, myself and just about everyone else seem to revert back to a 3rd grade vocabulary and can't string together an entire sentence without the use of 15 verbal pauses. I just noticed this phenomenon as I was leaving a friend a voicemail. Had this been our first contact she surely would have thought it was a prank call from 12 year old.

We all laughed at Will Farrell's character in Old School for leaving a boneheaded message, but guess who he was parodying, yeah you guessed it, me. Lauren, sorry you had to be the recipient of such bad use of the English language. What's weirder is that I consider myself an excellent public speaker and conversationalist, but I hear that beep and I may as well just hang up. In today's mobile society it seems as if we are perpetually talking to an answering machine or voicemail yet I still can't seem to master the voicemail message.

So if you get a voicemail that is just a hang up, call AristocraCity.

A First of the Year

So 2004 was indeed, "A Year of Firsts" and this post is the first non-cruise post of 2005. Since I was too busy partying this past week, I didn't have the luxury to think about all the absolutes 2005 will hold. Some things to look forward to include turning a quarter of a century (for you math whizzes and people who can't tell the time unless its a digital clock, that is 25) my brother graduates high school and begins college, I will want to date/hook up with someone whose first name ends with a vowel (actually that happened within minutes/hours of the ball dropping, so much for following my own advice), will attend second wedding for a best friend, oh yeah and become a millionaire thanks to VitruvianMen, LLC. [Editor's Note: Please be on the look out for an email from AristocraCity officially inviting people to subscribe this week and a Super Bowl invite]

Probably the most shocking first was a feeling I had while on the cruise. While hanging out with my brother and two girls from my hometown whom I had never met it dawned on me, I'm old. That's right for the first time I felt my age. I felt too old. Sometimes even I forget that just cause I get carded for a 16 and over club (that actually happened on the cruise) that I am indeed 24. The three of them were discussing the high school we all attended at somepoint. Teachers were discussed and people who are still there, and I didn't have a fucking clue who 99% of them were. It was then that I realized aging comes in different forms, physical, mental and emotional. Externally, I could definitely attend college for my brother and not raise any eye brows, but man or should I say boy would the conversation suck. I finally got how one of my friends feels hanging out with all my friends who are 3 years her junior, and we are only 2.5 years or 3 grades younger. At that table I was 8 grades older than the youngest and 5 grades older than the oldest.

By their own admission, the sisters my brother and I were sitting with said they weren't close. They are 3 years apart in age and it actually annoyed me hearing that they weren't close. While the age difference isn't a barometer with which to base closeness, the closer in age, the fact is you can be more involved in a siblings life. There is no way to turn back time and there will always be things we wish we could have done but didn't have time to do. While I had no control over it (our 6.5 year age difference), I'd turn back time for one reason and one reason alone, to see my brother grow up. That's right, attend all the soccer games and tennis matches I missed, meet his friends, and see him age. Over the holidays I saw old pictures from when I was 13, he was 6 and from my high school graduation and while I now what he looks like, I don't know how get there. The last time I lived at home he was 10 that is 6th grade. Think how much we all changed from 6th grade till the time we graduated high school... its startling.

I get that one may hate their sibling at times and it may seem like you have nothing in common, but the next time you choose sleeping, going to the mall or getting drunk over attending something important to your sibling realize you'll never be able to turn back time and see that goal or flawless performance. At the end parents, friends and spouses/lovers will be gone, but siblings will be there if you let them. So if your New Year's resolutions revolved around going to the gym, partying less/more or any other trivial aspect of your life and your not close with your sibling well I think you have a new resolution. AristocraCity included!

Cruise Pictures, Part I

For those of you interested, here is the first batch of cruise pictures.

A Carnival "Miracle"

It's a Carnival "Miracle", my dad hasn't been that close to a vagina in, how old is Matthew, almost 18 years.

It's a Carnival "Miracle"

So when we set sail on Decmeber 26th, I figured "Miracle" was a perfectly logical name for a boat. It worked as a movie title, why not a boat. When I think about miracles, I don't think biblically. The Sox winning the World Series a miracle, it hailing in Belize a miracle (a fucked up one at that, but nonetheless a miracle), hooking up with a female whose first name ends is a vowel (a miracle, but not one that ocurred, more on this later).

However, I realized other people think miracle and think Jesus. As was the case when I saw some 7-10 year old wearing a Got Jesus? t-shirt (exactly like the one pictured). My first thought was "Got Jesus?" was just like "Got Milk?"... only better. I mean the dairy farmers of America are publicity whores and their brand is strong, but how is a cow biproduct supposed to compete with a half a billion dollar grossing movie. With milk at least you know where you stand. Drink it and you get strong bones, if your lactose intolerant a strong bicep (confused simulate the wiping motion, which muscle is engaged). If your talking to Jesus, you may not be menatally healthy. If I said I talked to another character from a book, say Amelia Bedilia you'd think I was crazy. Got the point. The world is pretty fucked up right now, imagine if Jesus was resurrected. Fucked up wouldn't even come close to describing our planetary affairs.

I just couldn't escape Jesus this past week. Every time I got out of the shower I was reminded of him. Hey, hey, get your minds out of the gutters this isn't an "X" rated story. After I shower I use a hair dryer, get over it. I got stick straight thin hair and blow drying adds texture and volume. I like many of you would assume the hair dryer would be in the bathroom, but it wasn't. No it was in the living/sleeping area. When I asked my brother if he knew where the hair dryer was he said yeah it's in the drawer with the bible. That's right the hair dryer and bible cohabitated in a drawer together. Open the drawer to use the hair dryer (which couldn't be removed from the drawer) and get a side of Job 3:16. Who knows maybe on next year's cruise the bible with share a drawer with some Carnival Cruise branded condoms or better yet a week's supply of RU-486.